My Last Blogger Post... Thank you and Farewell!

This may be my last post on this blog.
I have no idea what compelled me to post today, I was writing about transitions over on my patreon page and thinking about the last blog entry I posted here just before we moved back to Canada and I 'officially' left my career in veterinary medicine for a full-time career as a visual artist. I had written this post and was in the process of editing it, tidying up formatting, adding links and such. I thought 'Hm, I wonder how long the blog was live? When did I start it?' and so I looked and saw that my very first post was....
September 19th, 2008.
Precisely 10 years ago today.
Okay. That is kind of creepy. All right then. Here I am... EXACTLY ten years later, and I feel that I can honestly say the events I wrote about on Sept. 19th, 2008 were truly the spark that started... well...everything. When I started this blog;

I had just left clinical veterinary practice. I tried my hand at making a career of my art. I failed. I returned to veterinary medicine as a consultant. I loved my company and coworkers, but the art still called to me. I moved to another country. I moved to another country again. I couldn't continue as a consultant. I tried making a career of my art again. I failed again. I returned to veterinary medicine as a teacher. I loved my students and colleagues, but the art still called to me. I moved back home. I tried making a career of my art again. And now I am here, exactly ten years later, and this time... This time it has worked!

I am a full-time independent artist/illustrator now. I'm not saying I am financially 'there' yet, but part of the work over the past ten years was building up a 'nest egg' to facilitate this career transition. As the start-up capital keeps things going I am gradually increasing my art income. I am learning the ropes of being self-employed, being a 'business owner' (which still sounds very strange to me), getting over my hang-ups about getting paid fairly for the work I do, getting over my hang-ups about self-promotion, and feeling SO GRATEFUL that I have been given this opportunity!
The reason that this is likely to be my last post here is that being an artist, particularly an independent one, means that my online presence is my business now. I still suck at 'curating' my presence, so my posts remain random and inconsistent (pretty much everything you are NOT supposed to do to promote yourself, that's what I do..erry day - or rather NOT erry day, that's the problem.. but I digress..) what has changed is WHERE I am posting - to wit, the bulk of my activity now is on Patreon.com where I'm trying to create a 'home base' where I can gather fans of my artwork.

Check it out HERE because I can't remember how to make an image also be a link :/

If you are interested in seeing what I'm up to these days then come on by! I post everything from scratchboard pet portraits (of course!) to children's illustration, to webcomics, to Critical Role fanart, and even the occasional acrylic painting! The vast majority of my posts are entirely public and so is available to anyone who wanders by (though if you do come over I'd really appreciate a 'follow').
The platform of patreon does allow fans to subscribe to artists whose work they wish to support, so there is that option if you are so inclined - since this is my full time job now a dollar or two a month is greatly appreciated and will help me to continue to create art and share it with the world.

And as this is my final post here I would just like to say THANK YOU to everyone who followed and read this blog. I hope there was something in it that helped or entertained you. Thank you for coming with me on this journey - it's turned out so much better than I ever thought it would be!

Good-bye and much love!

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"TRANSITIONS" POST THAT WILL BE SHARED ON MY PATREON PAGE:

In March of 2018 I travelled to St. Kitts as I had every fourth month for a year. I went to teach for the last time at the vet school down there. It was the end of a very tumultuous 18 month period in which my husband and I moved (one international move followed by two more local moves), he started a new job and I completely changed careers.
Well, not completely - because I continued to teach as a locum as I organized my life as an independent/freelance artist. (LOL.. organized my life.. that's a good one!).
To get back to the salient point - I had decided that March of 2018 was to be my very last teaching locum. Though I had been calling myself a recovering *ahem* retired veterinary internist since we moved back to Canada, I was still doing vet related work. And it was time to let go of that old trapeze bar and hope I had a good enough grip on this new one
Leaving behind a career that has pretty much been the focus of my life since at least high school (though I wanted 'to be a veterinarian' since before I could spell or pronounce 'veterinarian') - well, let's just say it was a big transition. I did all the things I knew that I needed to ease that transition but on the final days of March I was facing an airplane trip that would mark;
The end of a lifelong career
The uncertainty of a new career, in a completely different field, which happened to be visual arts (the thing my mother had warned me could not be done as a career)
Leaving behind the amazing students and faculty I'd come to cherish at RUSVM
Leaving my BFF (though arguable we get more done and drink less being a thousand miles apart... ).

https://youtu.be/lsVy7OsOXfI

This was coupled with excitement about being able to put full focus on my art career and my dreams of what I might be able to do with that. So suffice it to say that it was an emotionally... complex time.
As the month wound to an end the weight of the LEAVING was hitting me hard and I had growing anxiety - 'What if this was a stupid decision? What if nobody ever responds to my art? Is this a Very Bad Decision that I'll regret later?'. You know, the normal kind of stuff.
Then, on my last day of teaching, I got a message from my friend and local amazeballs artist Rosey that someone wanted to purchase some of my art from her gallery! Skip ahead a bit and two of my acrylic paintings were sold to a couple visiting the island on vacation.

"Surrender" and "Inner Thoughts"

It was the confidence boost that I needed just at that moment.
Knowing that my art spoke to someone enough for them to want to put it in their home - that is just an amazing thing!
Needless to say, I left St. Kitts still with a mixture of emotions, but feeling confident and optimistic about my career change! And now, six months later, as Jon and Madeleine share with me a photo of the paintings in their new home I can report that this was the right decision for me.
So here's to life transitions!

Eight of Cups

I go through phases where I will draw a Tarot card each morning. The way I view Tarot is much like many of my other interests, a tool for introspection and growth. Today I drew a card while thinking about the major life and career changes going on as I prepare to leave behind this Caribbean island that has been my home for more than three years and the veterinary profession that has been my life for over twenty years. When I looked at the Eight of Cups in my hand I had to smile.

(c) Stephanie Law - my favorite Tarot deck

The Eight of Cups is a card of change and transition. The card evokes an immediate reaction of sadness and a sense of solitude. The subject in this card has turned their back on all they have accumulated or accomplished before. 

I haven't blogged about The Art in a very long time but as many who know me on Facebook or IRL are aware, we are repatriating back to Canada and I am officially starting my career transition from veterinarian to full-time artist.

I think it will be more useful to write about the process of transition after I've done some of it - until then I would simply be speculating. As you can imagine, I am filled with a mixture of excitement and trepidation as I take this very big step. My decisions and process are well thought out and have been planned over a LONG period of time, but that doesn't mean the actual realization of my goal is any less daunting.

I've also been shying away from promoting my art on social media and struggling internally to have compassion for myself about that. My knee-jerk internal reaction is still, as always, to push the Artist in me harder and get 'real results' sooner. Luckily I have spent the last several years learning to differentiate the helpful internal voices from the unhelpful ones and acknowledge the latter without mindlessly obeying them. My Artist has developed a voice, and I can hear her... she speaks softly, and only when she has something very important to say, and often in feelings more than words - but what she communicates is tremendously valuable.

"If you want this to work - to really work this time and not become a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure, then you need to be patient. You need to rest. You need to fill your creative bank account (thank you Jake Parker). You need to create some space and let the Art return. You need to come back to your centre and rest in a place of peace. Then, and only then, will you achieve what you know can be achieved. If you make this transition from a place of love and faith you will be successful. If you force it to fit a timetable and process imposed by the part of your brain that doesn't understand art it will be more difficult and take longer to get where you are trying to go."

I have devoted more than half of my life to veterinary medicine. I have given it everything I had (and at times more than what I actually had to give). I have had triumphs and failures. I've laughed and cried. I've had times when I've patted myself on the back and times when I've drank myself to sleep. My greatest successes and failures dance readily in my mind.

Now it is time to give my art full, undivided attention and love.

Last Friday was my 'official' last day teaching veterinary medicine. I use the quotes because I still have intermittent teaching to do as a locum (and will happily continue with that until my work here has all been handed over to my very amazing colleagues - a process that is already well underway).

Elkhorn Coral from a reference photo by my amazing friend Michelle Dennis!

I don't think the strangeness of it has really hit me yet. I've tried to 'be an artist' a few times in the past, and I've always come running back to veterinary medicine before too long. This time is different, for reasons I may expand on someday but right now are mostly locked in the nonverbal, deep parts of me. And this time I want to leave them there for awhile. I feel that if I try to capture them in words right now I will change them, force them to fit the limited forms of language, and they are too new and fresh - I just barely have a fingerhold on them. Once I am comfortable that I understand it all better then maybe I will try to speak it. Or maybe I will paint it. Who knows?

And the 'sadness and solitude' of the Eight of Cups... well, I am also not very good at dealing with BIG things, like moving away from the best group of friends and colleagues I think I've ever had. I might not actually deal with ~that~ until after the move is done and reality truly starts to set in.

For now I will distract myself with 'Getting Stuff Done'. I am posting this simply to share some of what is going on here at Cat-in-a-Box, wake up this blog in preparation for more regular posting in the future, and most of all - take a step to shake me out of my insecurity-induced paralysis about my career transition that I've been stuck in recently.  Cat-in-a-Box ain't going to relaunch itself!

Now it's time to do some ART!

~ Pam

Goodbye Ginger

It was over two decades ago during my first year of vet school that I lost my childhood cat, Blackie, and found myself going with a mentor to select two new cats to adopt from the colony that lived at his farm. It was with a heavy and reluctant heart I looked over the crowd, drawn by their dinner of cat food spread in a wide dish in the center of the barn floor. I didn't want another cat, I was still grieving the loss of Blackie, but we lived in an old country house and mice were a very real issue out there.

These are not the droids you are looking for.

From the many cats of varying ages, colours and sizes one that I picked was a small orange-and-white female who we named Ginger. I chose her because she was one of the last cats still eating at the communal food bowl after everyone else had dispersed, I figured a good appetite and persistence meant she was probably robust and healthy. I was right. Today, at just shy of 23 years of age, we said goodbye to Ginger. 

In those first years in Prince Edward Island she learned to hunt, and what a hunter she was! While we lived in the old house she kept the mouse population in check. When we later moved to Saskatchewan her hunting options were greatly reduced but that was fine by her, she was just as happy to sit in the sun. 

However, once in a while she would catch something, but instead of making a gift to us of a dead mouse or bird she would give it to Michael (the lovely but dumb-as-a-post three-legged cat). He would toss his 'prey' in the air proud as punch as she sat somewhere nearby grooming her paws and watching him smugly.

Vomit on me one more time Michael...

On one of our numerous cross-country (and inter-country) moves she even sat with Michael in the back of the car. At least until his motion sickness got the better of him and he vomited on her head., at which point Michael was banished and it was several days before he made it back into Ginger's good graces again. 

Ginger was an old soul. Never really excitable, she loved to get affection, she loved to sit in the sun and contemplate life, she loved to take a little walk about the yard and nibble some grass and most of all she loved her food....

She was heathy most of her life, except for a mild rhinitis that flared up from time to time. She developed thyroid issues in the past few years and, as is common for old cats, some mild kidney issues. Over the past months though her health had started to deteriorate with a few low points followed by a rally when we made changes to her treatment.

Boop!

We've said goodbye to many (many) pets over the years and one thing we've observed is that if you are paying attention they usually will tell you when it's time. She had significantly declined in the past week and this morning she just looked spent and was having trouble walking. True to her nature she still ate a bit for us when we brought her a fresh can of Friskies, but you could see in her eyes how tired she was. We knew that today it was time. 

We sat in the warm Caribbean sun on our back patio. She had some food and water and then just slept while I stroked her. Placing the catheter barely bothered her. When we had said our goodbyes and started to inject the barbiturate she sighed once and left us.

It's strange. 

We are sad, of course. It is the sorrow of loss. It is the empty space she has left in our household. 

But at the same time it's hard to feel too sad when we think about her life. She was happy and healthy for close to twenty-three years. She has lived in many places; from the east coast of Canada to the broad prairies, from the suburbs of Chicago to a remote town six thousand feet up in the Colorado mountains, from the freezing cold of Saskatchewan to the tropical heat of St. Kitts. She was an elegant old lady and lived a long and full life. 

So we are sad, but at the same time we are happy for a good life, well lived. 

Tonight we raise a glass to Ginger!

Saturday in the Studio

I'm in the studio this afternoon - it's a quiet, peaceful day today. This weekend is a long weekend here in celebration of St. Kitts' Independence and I expected downtown Basseterre to be crazy busy but instead it's actually surprisingly empty.

Flamboyant (St. Kitts' national tree) in Independence Square from the studio window.

The weather today is relatively cool (for this time of year), it is grey and overcast. We've had a fair bit of rain so the air, normally very muggy, is even more soft and thick and fragrant. I forget during the drier seasons just how lovely this place smells when the plants are fresh and the flowers in bloom. It's just one of those days I love! I even have a couple of companions on the roof outside my studio window....

Two pigeons keeping me company today

And in spite of this post I actually ~AM~ getting work done! I am trying to capture the progress on one of my current pieces 'Lickfoot' to make a timelapse video like I did once before with my lion scratchboard (HERE). I think I have found a camera setup that might work! My setup isn't the most technically advanced (yes, the camera is clinging to a piece of wood taped to an easel XD) but it seems to be getting the job done - no promises, but I'm hopeful!

First stage of a scratchboard - the sketch!

Now back to work!

~ Pam

Cupcake

Because I found this...

I made this....

Dream deeply

There are many things that fascinate me - some visually, some emotionally, some intellectually.  I subscribe to the Singularity Hub newsletter and enjoy browsing IFL Science when I can, as both of those sites generally stimulate and sate my intellectual curiosity. But sometimes things that I stumble across in those places satisfy multiple curiosities at once, and Google's Deep Dream is one of them. It invokes the same fascination I have for fractal images and architectural drawings... while also making me wonder what it would be like to try LSD.

If you haven't heard of it I'll give you a layperson's rundown (I really have no idea what I'm talking about, so if you want the real scoop read this great blog post). My understanding is that the ongoing quest to develop AI that can recognize images (not just match pixels but actually interpret the image) is part of a broader area of research into artificial neural networks (the underpinnings of true computer learning). When they train an artificial neural network to recognize a certain thing they show it tonnes of different images of the thing and it, not unlike the way the human brain does, interprets what it 'sees' through various stages of recognition (shapes, lines, then associations with other structures, etc) to learn what the target thing is.

They can test how this training is going by giving the computer some 'noise' (random pixels of color) and asking the neural network to visualize the thing they are trying to train it to, it will show what it has learned and you can see how on-target that is to the images you want it to be looking for. Basically this strategy shows researchers the difference between what they are teaching and what is actually being learned (as a teacher I have come to appreciate very much the gap that can exist between those two things and how important it is!).

So here's the fun part. For the  Deep Dream Generator Google has created a website that allows you to upload images to their neural network (one not trained for any particular image, I believe) and it is set to visualize what it perceives in the image. The results are freaky and intriguing and sometimes beautiful... the digital painting that I posted in the last blog post looks like this after being run through Deep Dream:

Come on - tell me that isn't awesome.. and creepy...

I think this whole thing taps into the same wonder I feel watching someone look at a piece of my art - especially if it's not a photorealistic piece. Is the subject sad or tired, or just contemplative? What are they feeling? What does the atmosphere feel like? What just happened? What is about to happen?

Each person views an image through their own filter and sees the piece a little bit differently - and looking at Deep Dream's images shows what feels like an alien, yet somehow weirdly familiar, kind of visual filter.

It also makes me feel like there are hidden chimeric animals all around me. And really - invisible gerbilfish just can't help but make the world a bit more awesome, amiright?

I turned my back on you....

ISSA Third Annual Scratchboard show

Hello folks!

I'm sorry my posts have been few and far between recently - I've been doing some veterinary teaching which has had to take priority in the past few weeks.  Fear not, I will be spending more time on my art and sharing some stuff with you in June and August.

For now though I wanted to show you a couple my most recently finished pieces.  These two scratchboards were accepted into the annual show for the International Society of Scratchboard Artists (ISSA) of which I am proud to be a signature member.

The show is going to be held this year at the Page-Walker Arts & History Center in Cary, North Carolina.  It is an amazing show - featuring the best of the best in scratchboard art.  For those of you who are going to be in the area the end of June I highly recommend you check it out - there is nothing like seeing these works in person!  And for any of you who are artists, there are fabulous workshops held in association with the show (check out the ISSA website for more details). 

(c) Pam Boutilier "Winter Cherries" 6x12" Claybord/Ink

The two pieces that I will have showing are both going to be available for sale.  "Winter Cherries" is a particularly meaningful piece for me that took me close to a year to complete.  I almost abandoned it several times but the guidance of a great mentor of mine, acrylic painter Martin Pryce, helped me hang on and see it through.  And you know what - I am so pleased with how it turned out.  I think this piece really shows some of the amazing things that scratchboard/whiteboard as a medium can do!

Here's a larger-than-life detail shot

The other piece that was accepted is 'Savannah Dreams' - this one also was a long time in the making.  That was mostly because I had created the warm abstract background when experimenting with my Claybords a couple of years ago, but for some time I couldn't find what art I wanted to put on the board.  I found the background so fascinating by itself I wanted to find a subject that would harmonize with it, but also that would not be overpowered by the background or compete with it.    I found myself looking at a photo of a lion I'd taken at the Toronto Zoo back in 2012 and suddenly it clicked - the angle and direction of the lion would work perfectly with the gradient of the background (at which point I was referring to that board as my 'leather background' because it reminded me of an old, beaten up leather trunk).  This lion is interesting because he does not grow a mane - so if you thought he was a lioness it is quite understandable!

I worked the lion in black and white and honestly didn't decide if/how much I was going to colour him until all the scratching was done.  Ultimately I decided to go with only a subtle wash of colour, leaving him somewhat stark compared to the background.

(c) Pam Boutilier "Savannah Dreams" 9x12" Claybord/ink

All the time I was working on this I kept thinking of him on his rock in the zoo, gazing over his rather limited domain in the middle of Canada, in the middle of winter.  My mind was filled with the contrast of his life compared to his heritage, which made me wonder whether his soul might ever dream of the dusty, warm, sun-drenched savannah.... hence 'Savannah Dreams' as the title.  That contrast, between his current life and his ancestry, also made me decide to leave him as a more stark black and white relative to the soft warmth of the background.

As an added bonus I will also give you a link to my timelapse 'speed scratch' on this one.  Now this was intended only as a practice run, so please keep that in mind when watching it.  I love speed-draw/paint/etc videos and have always wanted to do some of my scratchboards but I didn't know anything about the equipment, set-up or process.  This was a great learning experience and the next one that I do will have much better camera positioning, lighting, and so forth.  

Both of these pieces really gave me an opportunity to watch how the mental and emotional process I go through while creating a piece of art informs the decisions I make with it all along the way.  To a large degree you have control over what you're doing - but it's almost like you are the head of a committee rather than a dictator... you have to listen to input from the materials, your environment, your muse, and take those and incorporate them into the work as you go.  I have never been as happy with a piece that I planned and executed exactly according to plan as I have with a piece that I've allowed to grow and develop organically as I worked on it.

So there's the art, and be sure to check out the show if you get a chance!

~ Pam

Spring cleaning, two-by-two!

One of the interesting things about living in the tropics is the lack of seasons - the only thing that really marks the passage of the year here is the amount of foliage on some of our trees.  The lovely flamboyant (or 'shack') tree in our yard is just now regaining some leaf after spending the last few months naked as a jaybird!  

I was worried initially that I'd done something bad and our tree was dying (I seem to have that effect on plants, which makes my persistent attempts at gardening all the more puzzling), but after a bit of research I learned that these are deciduous trees and despite 80F/27C weather and sunny skies they know that it's technically winter and they are quick to get nekkid.  

But now spring is here and the leaves are back and it's a time of renewal for everyone!  I am about to start a part-time teaching job and so suddenly I really need to get organized with my art - both studio time as well as how I manage online social media.  Much like the gardening, tending to Facebook, Flickr and this blog is something that I have enthusiasm for but seem to continually fail at nonetheless - perhaps an actual schedule would help with these things?  We shall see!

I wanted to share with you a few little scratchboards that I've completed recently, some of which have been posted on my Facebook page.  I discovered the fun of working on tiny 2x2" scratchboard when preparing an article for the ISSA and I previously shared with you the tiny portrait I did of my own kitty, Ginger.   The result of the contest mentioned in that post is here:

(Note that this may show up on your screen larger than the actual size of 2x2"!)

This is Charlie!  He's an adorable little mixed-breed dog who looks like he might have some Cavalier King Charles spaniel in him.  He belongs to Amanda, who happens to be my sister (there was no nepotism in the selection process I assure you - I assigned numbers to all the entries based on the order in which they were received and my husband rolled a die to randomly choose the winner... and yes, we have a die for any kind of number since we've both played tabletop roleplaying games for years :D).  Amanda has her own blog full of fun ideas and thought-provoking questions, check it out here: http://breakingbootsy.blogspot.ca!

I've done a few other of these wee works in recent weeks:

The first one was just playing around with masking and layering ink and I ended up making a yin-yang shape with some fun, etched patterns.  I attempted to write my favorite line from the Heart Sutra and discovered just how tricky trying to write on clayboard can be!

I also did a small study for a larger piece and this one taught me that I might need a bit more magnification and a smaller tool to get the precision of detail that I was looking for.

That's when I borrowed my husband's surgical loupes and got a bit loupy!

The result though was that I was able to get more control over the fine details on the final work - this detail shot is about the same size as the 2x2" piece above.  It's also a SNEAK PEEK, because I'll be posting the final full image here soon!

I loved the tactile feel of these teeny boards which led me to an idea.  I have a relative who is going through some health issues and I came up with the urge to create a 2x2 that someone could keep in their pocket and pull out to look at when they needed cheering up - thus was born the Pocket Otter!

This first version suffered a bit of board trauma (related to that whole 'writing on scratchboard' issue I mentioned earlier) so it exists only in digital form.  But Pocket Otter 2.0 here is going to be headed her way the end of this week!

Those are all the two-by-twos I have to show you today, but stay tuned for some new art in my next post!!

Cheers!

~ Pam

Bizniss!

I'm working on the contest prize today and will announce the winner and post it as soon as it is done!
In the meantime I wanted to mention that I'm attending the 4th annual Right-Brainers in Business Summit with Jennifer Lee.

I have been getting Jenn's newsletter (Artizen Coaching) for years, ever since 2008 when I rediscovered that I was an artist and started 'Cat-in-a-Box Studio'.  I got her eBook and went through her Right-Brain Business Plan.  I recently did the exercises again, and I've ordered (and anxiously await) a copy of her new book that just came out!

My little studio doesn't really feel as organized as an actual business - but all self-employed artists, freelancers and many other creative types really do need to think in terms of small business.  What Jenn really hit on that resonated with me (and still does) is that some of this stuff is hard, but you don't have to think about it all in the 'traditional' ways in order to be successful.  She talks about Right Brain Boosters and Left Brain Chill Pills and great things like that which make going through some of the tasks of organizing a small business much more tolerable (and tasks of just being an adult... like dealing with taxes).  I am learning (and have in the past learned) so much from Jenn and her 'tribe'.  I am by no means any kind of great entrepreneurial example, but the people that she's been highlighting in the series sure are!

It's free to sign up and I can say that there are useful and encouraging tidbits for just about everyone.  Some of the lectures have already passed, but if you get on board now you'll have access to all of the ones this coming week (or you can upgrade for a fee and get access to the entire conference).

~ Pam

A stroll down memory lane... with my pets

Having this little contest has made me very nostalgic about my own pets.  When my husband and I got together we had a combined total of 8 pets (I won't own up to how many of them I brought to the table).  I had previously had other pets in my life as well (cats, horses and even a teddy bear hamster).  Since I'm asking others to share their stories I thought maybe I'd tell you about the pets that inspired the portraits I've made for myself!

Ginger

Ginger -- Scratchboard portrait of her 2009 (c) Pam Boutilier

Ginger is the only pet that we have who is still alive and lives with us!  I got her when my first cat passed away.  We were living in an old farmhouse and actually needed cats around to deal with rodents - I remember being a bit resentful, my heart was hurting over losing Blackie and I wasn't quite ready to open it up to another cat.  I went to a friend's farm and selected two cats, Bagheera and Ginger.  I chose her because she was the last one still at the communal feeding bowls so I figured that meant she was healthy.  I must have been on to something because she is now 20 years old and the most regal old lady cat I've ever met!

Even as recently as last year she was still no-nonsense when it came to dinner time:

Dufus 

Dufus being a dork, and a Whiteboard sketch of him c.2013 (c) Pam Boutilier

Dufus was our heart-cat and the namesake cat of Cat-in-a-Box!  We are pretty convinced that he reincarnated from my husband's childhood cat, Hoover.  He was born months before I even met my husband (and I think it was a year before cat and husband-to-be met) and in spite of that Dufus was a total daddy's boy!  He loved my husband and would greet him every day like this (and because of 'Michael's Rule' he had to pick him up every single time):

We lost him last summer and I think that was perhaps the hardest pet loss we've had.  My husband wrote a lovely eulogy for him that I posted previously on this blog.  We are forever grateful that he lived 2 1/2 happy years after being diagnosed with heart disease, which was very good considering the nature of his condition - we cherished every moment.  He was both metaphorically and literally a cat with an enormous heart!

Nessie

(Left to Right) Nessie -- Whiteboard portrait 2009 -- The Nessie bjorn (c) Pam Boutilier

Although she was a dainty cat, being a siamese Nessie was never afraid to voice her opinion.  When she got older she went completely deaf - and it so happened that I was working as a veterinary phone consultant at that time, if she had something important to say while I was on a call things could get... interesting (thank goodness for mute buttons!).  We lost Nessie just over a year ago to cancer.  Ever the lady, she was an elegant cat right to the end.  It was for her that we created the 'Nessie bjorn' - basically a large scarf that I could tie around my torso to hold her against me.  In her final months she wanted to be held constantly, and the Nessie-bjorn let me have my hands free for work and still hold her.

Michael

Michael and scratchboard portrait 2009 (c) Pam Boutilier

Michael was the most gorgeous and also one of the dumbest cats I've ever known.  He has always been a great inspiration for my art because of his classic beauty - I've done more portraits of him than any other single subject, he the even adorns my blog header!  However, it was what he taught us about life that had, by far, the greatest impact on me.

You see Michael died unexpectedly and of unknown causes a few years back (after lengthy discussion my husband and I chose not to have a post-mortem exam done on him).  He was only around 10 years old and had been perfectly healthy all his life, we'd even had bloodwork and radiographs (x-rays) done on him recently for some routine dental work.  I came home one day and he was on his side laying on a blanket, dead.  The shock of it was one thing, but was hit me hard and deep was that the night before he'd asked me to pick him up and I was too busy.

You read about stories like that - what someone didn't do or say to a loved one before they were unexpectedly taken away.  Our life was busy at that time, we had four cats and I worked from home so they were constantly around.  It was not unreasonable that I'd shoo him away because I was working on something... of course I wouldn't have if I'd known he was going to die the next day, but that's the point, you never know.  I can never go back to that evening and pick him up and give him the affection he wanted and deserved - but I can tell you that ever since that day I have never refused affection when a loved one asks for it.  We consider it 'Michael's Rule' - I hug and kiss my husband every day, even if I'm annoyed at him over something.  We both pick up or pat our pets every time they want it.  We don't have kids but this would apply to them too.

Our loved ones could be taken from us at any time.  Trust me, it's well worth the few seconds to pick up a kitty, pat a dog, or hug a person - seconds to acknowledge them before going back to your important work, seconds to let them know that you care.  This is what Michael taught me - and I value and remember this lesson every day of my life.

Emma

Emma, and Pastel portrait of her 2008 (c) Pam Boutilier

Emma was my husband's dog, and she was sunshine incarnate!  A street dog from Detroit she learned young that you sometimes have to bend the rules to survive - and though she was a very good dog (my husband had done great obedience training with her at a young age) she still had the most endearing and playful mischevious streak.  Emma was a bridesmaid at our wedding and a great companion to both my husband and myself for many years.  We lost her back in 2010 after a long battle with heart and kidney disease.  I remember carrying her up and down the stairs to our industrial loft (the metal grating was too uncomfortable on her feet and the stairs were too much for her heart at that point).  We knew it was time to say goodbye when fun-loving Emma just wasn't having fun anymore - sadly her rapid downturn happened when we were both out of the country and we weren't with her at the end (it wasn't fair to make her suffer until we could get to where she was).  The years have softened the loss though - and when I think of her I remember how engaged and excited she was about everything in the world around her, a lesson for us all!

Laurich

Laurich c. 2008 - being in the snow, which was his favorite spot

Laurich is one of the few pets that I don't have a completed work of art on... hmm.. I'll have to remedy that.  He was a very handsome dog and best man at our wedding.  He was my first dog - and spent his early life patrolling the farm on PEI.  He was calm and steady where the other dogs were boundful (Emma) or explosive (Rosie), I don't know when his birthday was but I think I'd have to guess he was a libra :D.  He wasn't a dog to play with toys much, but for some reason he always needed to have a plush toy in his mouth when he greeted you.  He also was a chow-hound who couldn't be trusted alone with any food (I remember vividly the episode where he ate an entire BOX of tiny meal bars, leaving all the wrappers licked clean on the floor - then we had to drive with him in a car for five hours... that was... aromatic).  He was a good boy and we are so grateful for the 13 years we had with him before he passed away the year before we lost Emma.

Rosie

Rosie and Ink portrait on hand-aged paper 2008 (c) Pam Boutilier

Ah Rosie!  She was adorable and LOVED people, to the point that you'd begin to wonder if she thought she was human.  Unfortunately she HATED other dogs, which didn't go over so well when Emma moved in and we all of us were living in an 800 square foot home!  Laurich was the one dog she did like - maybe because he'd stand beside the bed so she could put her front feet on his back and bite his ears when they play-fought.  Or maybe because if a strange dog approached the house she could stand with him towering behind her and tell the strange dog off - until she turned around and realized Laurich had gotten bored and wandered back in the house at which point, her 'muscle' gone, she would abruptly shut her yap.  She was a character!  Though I'm philosophically opposed to bulldogs, I was so glad to have our little adopted Rosie in spite of, or maybe because of, her foibles and flaws!

Charlie and Ben

(Left to Right) Ben and Charlie -- Pastel of Charlie 2009 -- Scratchboard of Ben 2010 (c) Pam Boutilier

My dear boys - a Shire and a Belgian.  The reason we lived in a run-down farmhouse while in PEI was so that I could have horses.  Initially 'horse' - Charlie, but I learned that there is little as sad as a solitary horse and so it wasn't long before we got Ben (we jokingly said that Ben was a Christmas gift for Charlie that year).  They were the sweetest creatures - but different as night and day.  Charlie was the ultimate 'earth' constitution - laid back, food motivated and with a high need for affection.  Ben was a 'wood' constitution - high-spirited, motivated and not going to do things someone else's way just because they said so.  Ben always loved animals more than humans - as a human you really had to gain his trust, but he was much quicker to befriend the cats, dogs and other horses he met.  Sadly because of career developments we couldn't keep the boys - but they each went to carefully selected homes where they had more horses and other animals to be friends with, and jobs to do, which I think was actually a better situation than lounging around our place while I studied all the time.

Blackie

Blackie was the first cat I was truly friends with.  He lived 13 years - passing away from heart failure when I was just starting vet school.  There is something very special about the bond you have with a pet that is with you from childhood through into your 20's - they are with you through so many life changes that they become an integrated part of those changes and memories, I think they often help us grow up.   Blackie was a grump to anyone who didn't know him - he'd hide under the bed and attack people's ankles - but to me he was simply my buddy.  I was both introverted and shy, and Blackie was the friend who bridged the spaces between having human friends, the one who didn't demand anything, to whom I always knew what to say, and who grudgingly let me dress him up in Cabbage Patch doll clothes (when I was 10, not in vet school :D).

Cosette, Bagheera, Misty - and Ralph

(Left to Right) Cosette, Bagheera, Misty, Ralph

The three kitties who were in my life the shortest amount of time are still fondly remembered as was Ralph, my teddy-bear hamster.  My husband's kitty Cosette, who sadly ran away.  Bagheera who we lost to a coyote (sadly, one of the hazards of being a farm cat in PEI).  And Misty - technically my first ever kitty - a dilute tortie who was a bit of a spaz that liked to climb the curtains but could never figure out how to get back down from the curtain rod - I was too young to understand that was stressful for my working single mom and so Misty rapidly found a new home and was followed by the more complacent Blackie.  Ralph I had when I was very young - I seem to recall him driving my Barbie convertible... wonder where I got that idea?

There you go!  A heart-felt stroll through my pets (mostly in-memoriam).  Every pet touches us in some way, and some touch us in ways that truly change us.  This is at the heart of why I do pet portraits, and why when I look at a cat or dog (or horse or mouse) I wonder who they are, what's their personality, what friendships have they shared? 

And also why I'm running my little contest (for which you've got until Noon EST on Friday, April 11th to enter if you're going to!!).

Cheers!

Would you like a free mini-portrait of your pet?

I'm having a little contest right now to give away a 2x2" mini-scratchboard portrait of someone's pet.  I've been playing with 2x2" miniboards recently and having so much fun with them that I thought I'd offer one in a little contest.  I started it on Facebook, so if you're active there please check out my page!

The reason that I do pet portraits is the same reason I got into veterinary medicine - one of the most important things to me is the human-animal bond, in all of it's manifestations.  Pet ownership is just one of those but to me it is the most important because represents such a deep and special relationship, and is one that so many of us have known.  I love hearing about people's pets - with every commissioned portrait I do I get to learn a little bit about the special animal that I'm drawing, and what they mean to their human companions who are requesting the portrait.  I always hope that my finished artwork will be something that people can look at for years to come and instantly relive some small part of the love and companionship they shared - just as I do when I look at the portraits I have of my own pets (of which there have been many), especially those who have passed on.  

And it's also the reason for this contest - I don't have any active commissions right now and this is a sneaky way for me to get a dose of heart-filling stories (always an alterior motive :D).  

2x2" miniboard of my cat Ginger (c) Pam Boutilier

I also know that not everyone is on Facebook, so I'm posting the information here as well:

All you need to do is post a picture of your pet and a short paragraph describing why they are so awesome.  All species are welcome, as are memorial stories if your pet has passed away.  You are welcome to enter more than one pet - but please do an individual post for each one.  You can post on Facebook or right here in the comments section below.

I'm going to randomly draw a name on April 11th and then post the winner both here and on Facebook. as soon as the artwork is completed.  The winner will receive their mini-portrait by mail (that means you'll have to give me a physical mailing address if you win).

Feel free to share this with anyone else that you think may wish to enter!

(And for you cynics out there - this isn't an April fool's thing, I didn't even realize the date until I previewed this post just now! :P)

~ Pam

Blocked and Unblocked

If you follow my posts you know that I was away from home in January, and I got an incredible amount of work done.  It was great!  I completed pieces that have been 'in progress' for a long time, years in some cases.  I also came home and made some very big decisions about the direction of my career.  You know, the kind of decisions that make your blood vessels constrict just thinking about them.  This was followed by several days of glorious Flow working on some pieces that had been too large to take with me, taking up the paint brush and experiencing the physicality of acrylic painting and how it differs from my scratchboards, basically to put it in terms my sister uses 'falling in soft' with my art.  

It was great.

Then it all stopped.

I've experienced what I've called artist's block before - but never like this.  One morning I got up and looked at my paintings in progress, looked at my scratchboards in progress, went to get some coffee, wandered around and looked at the works again, checked Facebook and email, glanced at the painting on the easel beside me, refilled my coffee, ambled out on the porch and just stood there looking at the scenery for awhile.  

Okay, so I was having an off day - everyone's entitled to an off day if they have the luxury of taking one, tomorrow will be better!

But tomorrow wasn't better, nor was the day after that. 

I tried the 'work for 15 mins' approach which usually does lead me to get into the groove and keep working... but after 15 minutes I felt restless and would get up and find some dishes that needed cleaning, or laundry, or maybe I should have a snack or more coffee.  There was almost a strange undercurrent of desperation to physically not work on my art even though that's what I wanted to do.

Sketchbook...whyyyyyy?

Then I would stand on the other side of the room with my coffee looking warily at my works-in-progress (of which several had accumulated by that point).  I wanted to work on them, I just couldn't.  I would distract myself by thinking about them... 'how will I tackle the background on that one, where do I want the light source coming from on this one, what colour scheme will I use for this other one'.  All valid things to ask, and issues that truly did need to be addressed for each work.. but not necessarily at that moment, and not for so long, and not at the expense of actually working on the art itself!  They were becoming an excuse, a distraction.  Similar to the housework, which also needed to be done - but again there is a time for chores and a time when chores are clearly a procrastination tool.

This went on day after day.  Then, predictably, the fact that I'd not gotten really anything done for several days started to cause stress.  One very non-constructive way to deal with stress is to escape into video games.  When you're feeling unproductive firing up Skyrim is really NOT the best thing to do (although Jane McGonigal can probably explain better than me why this is precisely the kind of thing that we DO do when feeling nonproductive).  So of course it's exactly what I did, and for me the reason that it is not a good coping mechanism is that I do it with gusto (yes, a bit of diversion in Skyrim is cool... Skyrim until 4:30am is not cool), and then I berate myself about what I did until I feel so bad that the only answer is to eat pringles and go back to Skyrim where I can save the world and can't hear the voices in my head telling me what a lazy procrastinator I am (also not effective if you listen to Jane's twin sister, Kelly).

I'm not an artist, I am a great Enchanter of Things!

It reminded me a bit of depression.  That obstruction to feeling that one can have.  You remember what it was like to feel - happy, sad, etc - but there just seems to be a space between you and there.  I remembered how to do art, what it felt like, and yet there was this uncrossable chasm between me and that ability.  It is the strangest thing in the world to me to stand in front of my easel with a half-completed painting or scratchboard on it and simultaneously feel so strongly that I want to work on it and at the same time that I absolutely can't. 

My mind would say 'Pick up the scratch tool just do a bit!' and nothing would happen.  I actually had conversations with myself - 'Work on this a little, come on, you know you can do this, you know how good you feel when you are doing it, you know what nice artwork you can produce if you just pick up the gorram blade and do something!' (yes, apparently one of my inner voices is Jayne Cobb) to which my internal answer was a vague 'Yeah.... I know....' followed by, you guessed it, nothing.  As if my muscles just wouldn't respond. 

The cognitive dissonance of this eventually would make me have to walk away from the art, the situation, the whole thing - and find something to distract my brain that was now becoming distressed.  This is when some house chore would prove absolutely urgent to complete, or I'd remember that I had to go pick up groceries, or if none of the above were available I always knew that Skyrim or Borderlands were just over there waiting for me. 

Oh Gaige!  You seductive minx!

During this period I stumbled on something that I think really helped - it is a series of YouTube videos from Peter Draws.  In desperation I did 'Circles & Lines'...

 Which spontaneously spawned 'Stems & Leaves'....

Then I tried 'P or P' (Perpendicular or Parallel).... and little animals started to appear!

Bonus points if you can guess what animal is top and center (and where he's from)!

I'm not saying that my block broke immediately, but these exercises really did help.  Around the same time a friend of mine loaned me 'The Artist's Way' by Julia Cameron.  An old book, but one I've amazingly never read.  I'm working through it week by week now and it's just awesome!  I highly recommend it whether you're blocked or not, whether you consider yourself an artist or not.  I'd say ESPECIALLY anyone reading this blog who does not consider themselves an artist should read this book!! (I'm serious, do it!  Do it now!).

She discusses blocking in great depth, getting into the psychology of it.  Her exercises are very helpful too (I'm still working through her 12 week program).  And as my block lifts I do think this was a stepping stone in moving forward with my art - it was terrible while in it, but now I feel better than pre-block about what I'm doing.

Post-block ideas for tiny scratchboards - yes IDEAS!  And lots of them!

During the period of block one of the several works-in-progress that were suffering was a commissioned portrait of an amazing little dog named 'Banner'.  His portrait sat on my drafting table and stared at me, day after day.  Each time I put blade to board, though I was making scratches but I didn't feel that I was making progress.  The work was inconsistent and I didn't feel confident.  The nagging idea that I was going to screw up anything I touched was hard to keep fighting - I felt weary from it.  But being a commission there wasn't the option of just stopping so I pressed on, until one day I looked at it and realized I had to start over.  Yes, after more than 10 hours invested in the work I took out a new board and started from scratch.   

(LOL - I see what I did there!)

"Banner" first draft (abandonded).

In hindsight though, I have to wonder if the fact that I was so blocked, and so detached from my work, is why I was able to see the flaws in the above piece - and to learn some very interesting things that I knew but had always sort of done intuitively.  My biggest concern was that the crop was off - the face was slightly too large, his chin was going right to the edge of the board.  The other is that his eyes looked 'wrong'.  My blocked state meant that I spent much more time than normal staring at it and pondering why they looked wrong, and then it occurred to me - they are too human!

When a dog looks straight at you, as Banner was in the reference photo, their eyes will appear a little bit crossed.  Most dog's eyes are slightly on the sides of their head, as compared to ours which are front facing.  So the original portrait, in which Banner's pupil's were perfectly centered, was just plain wrong.  When I restarted the piece I was easily able to correct this - and the eyes in the final portrait turned out to be my favorite part!

'Banner' final image (c) Pam Boutilier

I wanted to share both this experience and my crappy, abandoned first draft because I want everyone reading this to know that this happens to everyone even though it doesn't ~feel~ that way when it's happening.  You look around and everything posted online by every artist looks polished and finished and gorgeous and you know that you alone suck, in fact you could be crowned the Queen of Suckitude.  In reality though every artist has bad pieces, things that didn't work out, things that they struggled with - they just don't generally post them on their website, which makes sense, but is easy to forget that when you're blocked or feeling down. 

If you're blocked, or the self-confidence gremlins are gnawing at your heels, or your inner critic just won't shut up - I highly recommend you sit with your sketchbook and do Peter's exercises.  Do them long enough and the gremlins will get bored and leave, the critic will fall silent and then your shy little artist will come out and you may find animals, or figures, or flowers - whatever it is that you like to draw - starting to emerge from the abstraction.

Art is not without struggle.  And being a good artist doesn't mean that you don't struggle, it means that you keep making art, you find a way through, and you forgive your inner artist if they hide from you for awhile.